Reflection

This time of year always seems to be full of extra activities.  Orchestra and choir performances, dance recitals and conferences seem to take up most of our extra time.  It is during this crazy time of year that I also begin to reflect back on what has occurred during the school year and begin to think of what lies ahead. 

This school year has been different than the others since we have began homeschooling.  Due to many factors I have not written on my blog as often as I would like.  To my faithful readers, I thank you for tolerating my sporadic writing schedule.  Oh who am I kidding – I started ignoring my publication schedule months ago. 

So what makes this school year so different than others?  In addition the the usual fun learning adventures with my children I have been forced to deal with a lot of outside negative opinions.  Unfortunately these negative opinions have came from people I mistakenly considered to be friends.  Even if we weren’t close friends, I still considered them to be homeschooling mom friends who I liked to chat with at local events and a couple of them were even family. 

I don’t fully understand why I have let these negative events effect me, but it just felt different when it was coming from people I was going to have to deal with at local events.  Their behavior is really no different than the hate mail I receive because I dare say we homeschool for academic reasons and from a secular point of view.  One would just hope that you could attend local homeschooling events without being the topic of gossip for some of the other homeschool moms. 

As I have mentioned before, I resigned from the leadership positions I held in our local homeschool group way back in December.  I mistakenly thought it would be easy to transition from a leadership position to “just one of the moms”.  I didn’t count on becoming a source of gossip for a small group of the moms.  I also did not for a second think I would feel insecure and actually let their comments bother me. 

While the ladies I served with on the leadership panel did not discuss why I resigned, oh how the rumors flew between many of the other moms….and it bothered me….and it drives me insane to admit that I, the independent, strong willed woman that I am, let a small group of women make me feel like an insecure teenager trying to fit in.  But it happened and the effects of my temporary bout with insecurity, insanity, whatever silliness you want to call it, was wide-spread.  I stopped blogging…I turned down more than one speaking engagement…I stopped working on my other writing project…I wasn’t feeling confident about myself as a homeschool mom so I just couldn’t bring myself to writing to try to encourage others.  If I couldn’t encourage myself, how would I ever encourage others? I just didn’t feel like I had “the right” to try. 

Back in February I found my inner voice again.  I declared that my blog mattered and I was going to write again.  I even began a new publication schedule that wasn’t as time consuming and was very realistic even with my work load for graduate school.  Then it happened….I once again let the negative opinions quiet my voice.  I decided there was no reason to write, people didn’t want to read what I had to say.  After all, I had people right here in our hometown telling me that fact.  In not so nice ways they made their points clear.  So once again, I allowed the actions of a few silence me.  I stopped writing…I turned down another great speaking opportunity…stopped working on my other project…I focused on just my family and my graduate work.  This continued for weeks, up until last week in fact. 

My husband (James aka Heathen Dad) had to go to Napa Valley for work last week.  Rough gig I tell ya.  He had to be super computer geek during the day and then go out with the guys to eat and attend wine tastings with the wine makers.  Hubby and I talked about future trips that we want to go on.  Some of the trips together, some of them will be each of us on our own.  He has a few geek dream trips he wants to go on and I have a few foodie adventures I want to go on. Talking about this reminded me that I really am an independent and confident woman.  I can do things on my own.  Not just trips, but anything that I set my mind to. 

Then I started thinking about my BlogHer trip this year to New York City.  How was I going to show my face at BlogHer if I no longer write on my blog?  Was I really going to walk up to Ree, aka The Pioneer Woman, and say “Hey remember me from last year?  Yeah, I let a few cranky homeschooling moms bully me into stop writing my blog. I sure wish my blog was half as popular as yours.  Guess that would require me to write from time to time.  But I can’t – too scared of what the gossip will be the next week.” 

HECK NO!  I am not a shy, timid woman who is afraid of ruffling a few feathers from time to time.  It is time that I stop acting that way.  A friend of mine told me this week that sometimes women become intimidated by a woman who does things differently.  That they see it as a challenge to their way of life.  She said that perhaps the moms who feel the need to gossip about me fall under that category.  If that is the case, I hope that they realize that I in no way expect them to homeschool for the same reasons that we do.  I do expect the same respect from them-there is no reason for them to question our motives for homeschooling.  I also encourage them to read the “Define Heathen” page of my blog. 

The negative comments still make their way to me from time to time.  I’m sure they will continue to as long as we participate in events with this particular homeschooling group. 

So that’s what has been going on in my head for the last several weeks.  What’s been going on in your neck of the woods? 

Oh, by the way, if you have emailed me recently…..I’m slowly going through them.  If it is something that requires my immediate response, you might want to email me again so you will be at the top of the pile.